Tonight
by DDVZ
Summary: Xerv's thoughts.  Another rant.  A sequel to the last.  Not as good, or better?  Either way, he left that night.  Left in flames.  Blood and flames.


Oh God...A wave of euphoria and fever and pain running through my body, sitting there in my right elbow. The scratch is bigger now. By a lot. I can almost fool myself into happiness now.  
I'm at the third stage. Sadness, Anger, Hopelessness. Everytime I speak...I might as well not have. No one understands. No one CAN understand. It's always been this way. I've been silent for WAY TOO FUCKING LONG!  
I can't take being quiet anymore. I resort to saying sarcastic comments constantly. As a result I get scolded at a lot more. I like the attention, but it's not worth it. Oh god. It's getting worse. The crack's refracting light. I can barely see.  
I have two cataracs. But they broke free and float in my eye, where they can't bother me. The crack seemingly spread, but it was a catarac. Weird. I saw it in my reflection once. A piece of cornea, still white. Most of the edges and even infringing the center now, are yellow.  
They always have a bloodshot appearance cuz I'm always tired. It takes me an hour or more to get to sleep. Nobody understands it. I think maybe I should just pop pills but I'd get dependant. My head's hanging askew, but it's more comfortable there. Sorta. It's not comfortable anywhere.  
When I walk, I don't see myself moving, I see everything around me moving. The Earth's rotating but I'm just standing here, floating above some body. I almost wonder if they think I'm anorexic. I eat a lot though. Just not all the time. Whenever I eat a little because I don't feel good I have to force myself to keep going to satisfy them.  
I gave up the visage of perfection a long time ago...atleast in grades. I still feel responsible for my siblings' actions. It's just so stupid. Nobody would get it. I was until grade four, then again till grade eight. Now they expect me to not feel responsible. But they still blame me.  
My head's bowed slightly, my eyes are low. I look tired, but the glasses hide it. The pain's everywhere but gone at the same time. The music isn't on; a miracle. Chest pain.  
I get it a lot now. Heart pain. my core's breaking. I can't keep up anymore. I'm gonna do it. Somebody's dead. I've known all my life. once it happens I can't go back.  
I'll just have to go rampant and then commit suicide. I'll look like a Virginia Tech loser. But I don't gcare. They'll save me. And then my life will be fucked. up the ass.  
I haven't even gotten the chance to fuck a girl yet. Not even fuckin' kiss her. But I want to soo badly. I can't see straight anymore. My head when it's upright feels slanted. I nod off a lot during calss, I'm so stired.  
sao fuckin tired. I can't take it anymore. I want to leave. I hate that feeling, sweat dripping...I'm not even hot. in fact I'm cold. My head's got all this pressure. I can barely breathe through either orifice hnow. It sucks so bad.  
My ear's ringing whenever I close it. My muscle is still undergoing atrophy even though I'm exercising more than ever. Atleast I got rid of my stomach. It looked bad. But now I look fine...no one else thinks so.  
I like it. i like it. i like it. That's what I say. I'm an automaton programmed to make you happy. A soundboard, and nothing else.  
Even my parents use me like that. I hate it. I have feelings too. I am a person. I have things that I want to scream about.  
It all started with a towel. Saying shhh, don't say anything. I can't. I have no voice. I can speak to you, but it's whatever you dreamt be to be.  
I hit things openly now. Right in the beginning of class if a teacher isn't around. it hursts. it feels good though. let's me know that my hand hasn't gone to sleep. god it's crazy. my veins are so weak it isn't even funny.  
A deep breath doesn't feel deep. All I want is to tell her these things, but she's run the other way and all a psychologist. I decided I wouldn't liook at the screen anymore.  
I don't care. That's what I say. That's what they say. I watch so many people being such hypocrites. If you truly did, your story makes no sense. If you were, than what the hell was last year, a lie? It always is. I don't care. If you didn't care...you'd care so much it hurt. You 'd try to find the joy in everything, before you melted down I'm a time bomb, with a lit fuse. But no one's applying water. They just look at me and shorten the wick...They mock me...all of them, constantly. I'm not as mart as them. Just academically, but even then, they outmatch me. I like to say I'm worldly smart. I philo...I can't speelll the word anymore. I hate it when theat happens. I'm a philosopher is what I wanna say.  
But I'm complacent now...too indifferent. I can say it as much as I want...nothing. And why do you always have to hit a nerve? Whenever you pity me, you have to say that one thign. Because you know I'll have to agree with you by default or admit to something. But you don't understand it...not fully anyways.  
And you argue with me until I say YES. everyone does. Or you ask my advice, and then go on with your plan anyways and complain to me why it didn't work..; Stomach pain. I wanna leave. To wisconsin. to wisconsin. tonight FUCK THEM ALL, I'm going to fucking scream as much as I want right now. silently. to the keyboard. it doesn't work.  
I feel nautious. I know its a prostate thing now. But I don't care. I do...that's why it hurts. And so do they...that's why it hurts. I only have one friend...one person whom I don't want to murder brutally. ONE. The rest can die...they attack nme or ignore me anyways. Like I'm not even there. I'm right there...butnothing. NOTHING. That's what I've been reduced too.  
Nothing...Not a thing. Voiceless...people don't have voices...they are nothing. If you could choose a sensory disorder, go either blindness or nerve damage. You'll be lucky. cuz everyone else doesn't matter. And you can pretend that there whatever you want them to be.  
I wish I were sometimes...the cataract came back. I can't take it anymore. A million pairs of visits of glasses of fuckitall. And I go a year after damage. My head hurts. But I can't rant anymore. Not sensibly.  
I want to sleep and never wake up ever. ever. ever. Tonight's the night. I must escape this society and become new. to escape the droll and laud and insanity. Before they misnomer me insane. before something bad happens.  
I tell myself two years. But two youears is longer...and two years is too long...and two youears is longer. and I don't even know. and I don't even know. tonight. 


End file.
